Have I Got a Planet for You!

A report from the UK-based Institute for Public Policy and Research (IPPR) revealed that people are “bored” by climate change.
Rather than being dismayed by this report, I’m bolstered. Bored? We can change bored. I have three kids who are routinely bored. I’m a freaking expert in bored.
If we can get climate change rebranded, if we can create a buzz around it, perhaps get it a Twitter account and a few endorsements, then climate change will be – at least for a day or two – the Next Best Thing.
Of course, we have a few hurdles to clear. For one thing, climate change is depressing. All that stuff about drought. Hurricanes. Having to give up ski holidays. Total downer.
People don’t want to hear about that. They want fun. They want cool (no pun intended). They want it served up in 140 characters or less.
For starters, climate change needs a new name. Would Megan Fox be hot if she was named Gladys Klanbakker? Of course not.
And look at the press that No Impact Man got. Simply because he didn’t wipe his butt for a year. It’s his name – that whole superhero thang.
I muse over “Schizoplanet” or “No Oxygen Ball”. But I settle on “Globat Sh*t-storm”, which pretty much sums it up. Besides, a look at the box-office receipts of apocalypic-type action movies reveals that people love this stuff. Maybe ever more so when it stars them!
I contact my friend Pete, who used to be a pharmaceutical rep (an endless source of shame for him), something he was very good at (more shame) to brainstorm.
“People are motivated by free stuff and contests,” he says simply. An idea takes shape. Together we come up with a plan to give away cars (hey, it worked for Oprah!) to those who work to fight climate change. “Battle the Global Sh*t-storm, win a Hummer” is our rallying cry.
Or how about a YouTube video featuring environmentalists waiting tables, driving buses, working construction… “Let’s make environmentalists get real jobs…,” the tagline would read. “…and stop bugging us.”
You could rally atheists and Palin supporters alike by asking them to “Stop the Global Sh*t-storm. God is damn well close enough.”
“End the Global Sh*t-storm and make me a liar,” Al Gore could demand, a satisfying prospect for many climate deniers.
“If you don’t fight the Global Sh*t-storm, you’ll get voted off the planet,” could run during episodes of Survivor.
Perhaps “A blue ball with no relief is never a good thing. Stop the Global Sh*t-storm.” Sponsored by Viagra?
Got your attention? I really think I’m on to something…

(A version of this ran originally on GreenMuze)