Not only do I find the song – The Twelve Days of Christmas – incredibly annoying, it’s also highly impractical. Woe to the gift-giver who offers me a partridge in a pear tree or anyone drumming, piping, leaping or dancing. I’d prefer a pair of warm gloves, please.
To deter those who take their cue from the excess of the season, I offer up my annual guide to the 12 Green Days of Christmas – gifts that are a pleasure to give…and to receive. And gifts that won’t make Mother Nature blanche.

1st day: A programmable thermostat. You can save two percent on your heating bill for every 1°C (2°F) you lower the thermostat. Look for a thermostat with the Energy Star logo.

2nd day: A low-flow showerhead for you that will restrict water output to no more than 2.5 gallons per minute. You’ll use 25 to 60 percent less water and 50 percent less energy than with a conventional unit. And at only $10 to $20 per showerhead, it’s the perfect gift for someone you’d like to shower with.

3rd day: LEGO – Kids aged three and up love these tried-and-truly non-toxic (no PVC, no lead!). The past few years have seen more recalls in kids’ toys than ever before. LEGO remains a toybox staple.

4th day: Give the gift of no junk mail by registering the person on your Christmas list with 41 Pounds. It’s estimated that the average adult receives 41 pounds (19 kg) of junk mail every year. 41 Pounds will rid you of 80 – 95 percent of this, saving millions of trees in the process. www.41pounds.org

5th day: A membership in Community Supported Agriculture. Your membership fee – which will provide you farm-fresh produce for about five months – allows local family farmers to stay in business, while offering up their generally organic goodies. Find one by asking at your local farmer’s market or visiting www.localharvest.org

6th day: Buy your six-year-old some sweatshop-free play clothes from American Apparel. All clothes are made in LA in a factory that pays workers a fair wage. You can even buy organic cotton t-shirts, leggings and more. Prices are reasonable and the clothes are made to last. Visit www.americanapparel.net

7th day: A week’s worth of earth-saving undies! Green Knickers is a UK-based company that offers panties in organic and fair-trade cotton, hemp, silk and bamboo. They’re beautiful and ethical and come in a gorgeous, hand-made gift box made of recycled materials from a worker’s cooperative in Nepal. Visit www.greenknickers.org

8th day: Buy a “green” book. There are, increasingly, books printed on recycled paper, FSC-certified paper…including my own! www.amazon.com

9th day: Offer up gifts for everyone on your Christmas list in a great-looking reusable bag. While there are plenty available right in your own neighborhood, you can also find them online (my favorite is LyziWraps, created by a child for a school project): www.lyziwraps.com

10th day: Buy your ten-year-old some beauty products that ensure her health – inside and out. As the body’s largest organ, our skin is at least as susceptible to toxins as any other. tweenBEAUTY was created to offer tweens products that are free of parabens, phthalates and other chemicals we don’t want in our tweens. Find out more at www.tweenbeauty.com

11th day: A case (minus one for taste-testing by the gift-buyer) of organic or locally brewed beer. There are more micro-breweries popping up every day – offering up local and frequently organic beer. Ask at your local Beer Store.

12th day: A year’s worth of green power. While an extravagant gift, offering up the gift of green power is one with incredible dividends to the planet. Green power essentially means purchasing the equivalent amount of power a household uses from “green” sources, such as wind, solar or low-impact hydroelectric. In Ontario, the only “green” power source is through Bullfrog Power at www.bullfrogpower.com

Celebrate hope, not just a holiday

The Food
It’s easy to green your holiday meal and, in fact, changing what’s on our plates can be a highly impactful (not to mention tasty) way to make that connection to Mother Earth.
Whether your family salivates at the prospect of turkey, roast beef or ham for the holiday meal, consider a few key factors before digging in.
For starters, what was the animal fed? Cows that are grass-fed are not only better for you (lower in fat, higher in Omega 3s, for starters), they’re also healthier, happier and better for the planet. How? Because they’re eating what their digestive systems are designed to eat, they release far less methane from burps and…ummm…flatulence. And before you roll your eyes, all that cow gas creates more greenhouse gas emissions globally than all forms of transport combined. So eating grass-fed goes a long way toward shrinking your carbon footprint. Look also for grass-fed lambs.
If you plan to put pork on your fork, look for pasture-raised pigs. It means they’ve eaten what nature intended and are healthier and happier piggies as a result.
If you’re a turkey lover, you’ll want to avoid those supermarket birds in favor of a heritage and/or organic bird. The difference isn’t only that the latter tastes far better, but that the cruelty inflicted on these caged and speed-fattened turkeys is unimaginable. And aren’t the holidays about goodwill toward hens (and turkeys and…you get the idea).
Don’t forget to surround your meat with lots of organic, locally grown goodies, such as all those root vegetables that you can still find close by, whatever your climate. Organic produce means you’re not giving pesticides and fertilizers a free ride on your plate

The Tree:
The endless fir debate… Frankly, this is one of those “on the one hand…but on the other…” issues. Let’s break it down:
If you already have a fake fir, stick with it. Unless you can still smell it off-gassing (which is possible), lavish it with lovely decorations and use it until it’s a Charlie Brown-esque twig. If you simply can’t bring yourself to have a fake tree any longer, donate it. The environmental damage has been down. Better to keep it out of landfill and let it live on in someone else’s living room.
However, if you want to go live, short of cutting down an old-growth pine, you can’t really go wrong. Most Christmas trees are grown for the express purpose of being chopped. If you want to go REALLY green, try a “live” Christmas tree. This is a tree that you keep in a pot (which, of course, limits its size – no soaring Christmas trees for you this year!), then, when you’re done with it, you simply store it somewhere warmish…and plant it in your garden next spring. In the meantime, it’s busy doing what trees do best – absorbing our CO2 and, in true Christmas spirit, giving off life-sustaining oxygen.

The Decorations:
I’ve yet to see a made-in-China decoration that rivals anything Mother Nature can offer up. Pinecones, dogwood branches, acorns, chestnuts, pine boughs… Add some LED lights and you’ve got a home filled with warmth, beauty…and no toxic chemicals leaching into the bodies of your loved ones.

Have I Got a Planet for You!

A report from the UK-based Institute for Public Policy and Research (IPPR) revealed that people are “bored” by climate change.
Rather than being dismayed by this report, I’m bolstered. Bored? We can change bored. I have three kids who are routinely bored. I’m a freaking expert in bored.
If we can get climate change rebranded, if we can create a buzz around it, perhaps get it a Twitter account and a few endorsements, then climate change will be – at least for a day or two – the Next Best Thing.
Of course, we have a few hurdles to clear. For one thing, climate change is depressing. All that stuff about drought. Hurricanes. Having to give up ski holidays. Total downer.
People don’t want to hear about that. They want fun. They want cool (no pun intended). They want it served up in 140 characters or less.
For starters, climate change needs a new name. Would Megan Fox be hot if she was named Gladys Klanbakker? Of course not.
And look at the press that No Impact Man got. Simply because he didn’t wipe his butt for a year. It’s his name – that whole superhero thang.
I muse over “Schizoplanet” or “No Oxygen Ball”. But I settle on “Globat Sh*t-storm”, which pretty much sums it up. Besides, a look at the box-office receipts of apocalypic-type action movies reveals that people love this stuff. Maybe ever more so when it stars them!
I contact my friend Pete, who used to be a pharmaceutical rep (an endless source of shame for him), something he was very good at (more shame) to brainstorm.
“People are motivated by free stuff and contests,” he says simply. An idea takes shape. Together we come up with a plan to give away cars (hey, it worked for Oprah!) to those who work to fight climate change. “Battle the Global Sh*t-storm, win a Hummer” is our rallying cry.
Or how about a YouTube video featuring environmentalists waiting tables, driving buses, working construction… “Let’s make environmentalists get real jobs…,” the tagline would read. “…and stop bugging us.”
You could rally atheists and Palin supporters alike by asking them to “Stop the Global Sh*t-storm. God is damn well close enough.”
“End the Global Sh*t-storm and make me a liar,” Al Gore could demand, a satisfying prospect for many climate deniers.
“If you don’t fight the Global Sh*t-storm, you’ll get voted off the planet,” could run during episodes of Survivor.
Perhaps “A blue ball with no relief is never a good thing. Stop the Global Sh*t-storm.” Sponsored by Viagra?
Got your attention? I really think I’m on to something…

(A version of this ran originally on GreenMuze)

Good clean fun?

Shakespeare (well, a slightly misquoted Bard) sure had that one right! Bubbles – if they’re to be eco-friendly and non-toxic are a bit of toil and trouble.
But if, like me, you have kids who love blowing bubbles, it’s worth the effort.
Why not just stick with the dollar-store bubbles? Or, if you’re flush with cash, the super-deluxe toy store bubbles that offer up gasp-inducing rainbow spheres?
Well…the problem is that, like most sudsy stuff we find on the shelves, it’s chock full of chemicals we don’t really want our kids messing with.
Such as… parabens, those ubiquitous hormone-messing chemicals you’ll find in a ton of personal care products and, apparently, kids’ bubble mix.
What’s more, dish soap (and what are bubbles except glorified dish soap) is the leading cause of poisonings in kids under the age of six in the United States. Most dish soaps contain formaldehyde and ammonia, two chemicals that are best left uningested. And yes, I know that your child is far too clever to drink bubble solution…but if it’s something we don’t want in our children’s bodies, it’s likely something we also don’t want on our grass, or in our groundwater, or in our soil. Or on our kids’ fingers, the same fingers they’ll be sticking in their mouths momentarily.
Lucky for us bubble aficionados, it’s easy to create greener bubbles.
I offer up this simple recipe, widely available on the Web…and home-tested by me:
½ cup eco-friendly dish detergent (cut that amount in half if you use a concentrated formula)
5 cups of soft water of distilled water (distilled water can generally be found at grocery stores or drug stores…for a whole lot cheaper than a bottle of bubbles)
2 tsp light corn syrup (beware that corn syrup can attract wasps. You can substitute 2 tsp of vegetable glycerin…but I can’t vouch for that recipe)

Consider making bubble blowers from old wire hangers twisted into a big circle for super-sized bubbles. Or get creative and make your own from items you find around the house. Then…share them here.

I reported in my book, The Virtuous Consumer, that arsenic is a common additive in chicken feed – page 58 for those of you who keep a well-thumbed copy on your bedside. In crowded conditions (ie. factory farms), it, along with antibiotics, helps keep chickens healthy. Or at least…healthier than dead.
It appears in the form of roxarsone, which, according to poultry pontificators, is the “organic” kind – meaning that it contains carbon or hydrogen and, apparently, that it’s “less toxic” than the other kind (those words offer up plenty of comfort, huh?). However, a researcher at Duquesne University released a report indicating that roxarsone converts to the inorganic kind when combined with bacteria in the chicken manure. In other words, once it comes out the chicken’s other end – and is applied to crops, ultimately entering our waterways from runoff – it’s the unsafe kind of arsenic we associate with murder and American classics.
What’s more, whether “organic” arsenic or not, giving a known poison to an animal intended for consumption seems rather…bird-brained.
It’s a point that became embarrassingly obvious last week when two Utah kids, who ate their chickens’ eggs in quantities that make foxes look like slackers, tested positive for arsenic – twice the level deemed safe for the girl and 75 percent higher for the boy. Turns out, no-one ever tested the eggs for ansenic, just muscle tissue and liver.
Though the EU has banned arsenic in chicken feed (Reason #462 to move to Italy!), it’s still allowed in the U.S., though its efficacy – and necessity – has been seriously called into question.
For now, curb your kids’ egg consumption and stick to organic chicken (though that’s no guarantee – arsenic has been found in brands of organic chicken) and steer clear of fast-food (Reason #3,613 to stop eating fast food): 90% of fast food chicken tested positive for arsenic.

July 1/10: Winnipeg’s Bug-Spraying Terrorists
Ever heard of “fogging”? I figured it was some frat-boy prank, but it actually refers to the large-scale application of pesticide to a specified area. It’s surprisingly common…and tolerated. But in Winnipeg, where mosquitoes outnumber the residents, things are heating up.
On the one side: proponents of fogging. These folks want the application of malthion to battle the mosquitoes, which apparently are out in full force this season, thanks to a wet spring.
On the other: opponents of fogging, who argue that malathion weakens immune systems, causes allergic reactions and can harm beneficial insects.
To date, opponents can register to have a buffer zone created around their property – which forbids spraying within 100 metres.
And this is where things get ugly.
Those requesting the exemption have reported receiving hate mail, nasty phone calls and, even, breakins to their homes.
Malathion is ostensibly harmless to humans. But. And there are a few buts: It has proven harmful to beneficial insects. It makes it way into waterways and can harm aquatic life. And left on hard surfaces (swingsets, patio furniture…), it can increase malaoxon levels. Malaoxon is 22 times more toxic than malathion.
In other words, opponents have every right – and reason – to want their own buffer zone.
Which means, the eco-wanker fogging terrorists need to back off…and respect residents’ right to just say “so?” to mosquitoes.
Read more here.
June 26/10: Lots of dealin’…but no two-wheelin’
The tiny town of Black Hawk, Colorado – population roughly 100 – used to boast goldmines. These days, however, Black Hawk is a gambler’s mecca, with five casinos, dog-racing, off-track betting and pretty much anything else your go-broke heart desires. But if your heart desires a bike ride through down, well, then you’re out of luck.
Why is it possible to bet your horse…but not actually ride your two-wheeled one? The city has decided that – thanks to an increase in traffic since it raised the maximum betting amount from $5 to $100 – it’s too unsafe for cyclists to ride the city’s narrow 19th-century downtown streets. Instead cyclists have to dismount, or face the $68 fine. Five cyclists lost the gamble they took on not getting caught since the city started enforcing the ordinance on June 5th.
A ban on cyclists? In order to allow four-wheeled bettin’ types to rule the roads? Black Hawk wins my Eco-Wanker of the week…for gambling with its citizens’ public health, air quality and right to ride.

June 18/10: Dying your dog’s fur to look like a panda or tiger is one way – albeit a stupid one – to cope with these species’ dwindling numbers. Clearly the rising middle-class hasn’t quite sorted out its priorities in terms of spending. And that poor Golden! Even under that Tony the Tiger dye-job you can tell he’s blushing. Why is crazy never endangered? Read more here.